The July Blues
July is my birthday month and also my least favorite month of the year. Some may find that odd; it’s time for a personal celebration of existence, the days are long and bright, and the gardens are buzzing with life. It’s summertime after all. But this month always feels heavy and a bit sad to me, and it could be for the same reasons I mentioned above. My birthday is the third of July so most people are absent due to the day that follows, the older I get I sometimes feel the days are too long and bright and though gorgeous, the gardens require a whole lotta love. Maybe it’s the nostalgia of my own childhood when summer hits; looking forward to school ending, time outside till the street lights come on, fireflies (I’m a Wisconsin kid), sleepovers, community pools, sprinklers and slip in slides, bike riding, drinking water from hoses along the way (if you were lucky a neighborhood mom handed out PB&J’s and Koolaid for lunch), and ghost in the graveyard or kick the can with the other neighborhood kids at night. Pair that with light that lasts till 9pm….. Summer always went by so fast, but boy did those summer days last forever.
Those days shifted fast though. Those awkward years turned us kids into awkward teenagers, and left us driving, working summer jobs and mimicking adult behaviour at our rooftop, backyard, and basement parties. High school ends and it’s college or the workforce and we became real adults real quick and the summers simmered and shined in a new way. Some of us were lucky and had children of our own and were able to relive those bittersweet moments of yesteryear, but my kids are off living their own adult lives now and that heaviness is back in a whole new way. It’s like you’re super busy, but also a bit bored because the days have a stillness about them that only summer stirs. Maybe it’s awkward for me because it’s the middle of the year, but it’s just so bright and sunny and the days so long, and there is an expectation and or obligation that this season suggests I should feel happy. All the time.
I’ve been trying to get to the bottom of it, this feeling, without getting weird. I’ve mentioned it to a few friends and family and I was somewhat surprised to find that I’m not alone. We all crave the emergence from our winter caves, the sweeter air and the sunlight, but it all seems so sudden and soon birthdays, barbecues, graduations, trips, and late nights fill the calendar and some of us (me) start looking for a cloud in the sky to break the boredom from the blue and an afternoon nap to recoup. But really, what am I feeling? I’m feeling the intensity of the sun and the invigorating growth she provides, and just like the plants and the trees I too feel myself stretching and reaching with the long long days. This time of year requires new growth and expansion and it can feel exhausting when you’re a human and you need to rest but the beach and the waves and the work are all calling at once.
I feel it’s only fair that I confess I’m not really a sunshine girl. I like the moodiness of the weather and the moodiness of life. Too much of anything is just that; even sunshine burns if you get too much. Summertime, give me your bright beautiful self, but also some clouds and a few thunderstorms please, cozy mornings and shady trees, and curtains (thank you curtains), for when the longest days of the year have me calling quits by late afternoon. I know nature knows what she’s doing better than me. She’s stocking my reserves like my solar panels batteries, and infusing my being with nutrients only nature can provide. All that vitamin D in my eyes and cells fuel my future self for the fall and winter seasons ahead. Soak it in while I can, I know, and I’m grateful that my grumpy summer self will lather up and lay in her heat stubbornly but sweetly. It’s good medicine and I’ll swallow it whole, but I will whine a bit along the way. So while I stew in the summertime heat, peel potatoes on the porch, and smell rain that won’t come for months, I need to mind my manners and make my list of things I am grateful for during this awkward July month.
July’s Gratitude List
-curtains blowing in the summer breeze -seeing old friends and making new ones
-wind chimes -picnics on a blanket
-children’s laughter at the park or on their bikes -fireworks with friends
-sunset walks at 8pm -movies in the afternoon (curtains closed)
-river days -morning walks with my daughters
-sun on my skin -kids playing in a field for summer camps
-light salads, fresh fruit -charcuterie boards
-peas on trellis’s -farmers market
-being barefoot -reading new books
-ice cream from our local shop -gardens bursting and beaming with life
-late afternoon coffee outside -small talk with neighbors
-birds busy in the birdbath -phone calls with my mom, dad, and brother
-baseball games at night with the field all lit up -my annual trip to Wisconsin
-summertime surf` -our coydog taku sleeping in the sun
-sundresses -bees sleeping in flowers at sunset
-music in the park -s’mores
-stargazing & sleeping on the deck -homemade cherry pie
I’ll add more to this list as I think of all the wonderful things July brings. I’m acutely aware that the greatest gift on this list is my ability to make one; I’m still here, lovingly noticing, complaining, and celebrating life. And maybe that’s what July is reminding me in her stillness and heat (I prefer movement and cool). Those times of yesteryear are fleeting, and as every moment passes, more yesteryear memories are created. How will I remember this July, and will I be here for the next?
Dear Melanie,
Happiest of birthday’s my sweet girl. Remember, your gift from me is and always will be the present.
Love you dearly,
July